Fear

Jess might have been smarter than me; she was definitely a whole lot nicer to look at. She'd been a professional ballet dancer for 3 years until a fall while training had ended that dream. She moved into fitness instruction and athletic training for a short time, even listing the NHL's Ottawa Senators as clients. She had a business card, and she looked like a total fox on it. There are a lot of better men than me that would have been overwhelmed or at least a little bit intimidated.

Reasons I was not scared:

1) Jess, despite her body's many talents and graces, stood at all of 5 feet 2 inches tall. Try as you might, it's tough to be intimidating when you're most of a foot shorter than someone. (Yes, this is superficial as all hell but it is true so I am writing it.)

2) I was barely a week removed from the longest and most rewarding relationship of my life. Jess was the first woman to show interest in me, but I was in no shape whatsoever to be interested in her. There is something awkwardly fascinating about a beautiful woman showing interest in you when your soul is completely crushed - I may have been a total train wreck but part of me was overwhelmingly curious and just wanted to watch what would happen to me if I spent any time with her. It was just such an unlikely situation that I wanted more than anything to put myself in autopilot, pull out some popcorn, and snack happily away while watching myself drown. I know this is twisted but I told you I was at bottom.

3) Jess made all of the 1st moves. Not only did this facilitate what my otherwise broken self would have found impossible but it also kind of helped absolve me of any guilt I felt for flirting with someone so soon after the break-up. As long as Jess led the way, everything felt like her choice.

An interesting aside: I have long believed that a man can make himself attractive to a woman just by letting her talk to him, asking a question here or there, and taking care of two things: A) smelling halfway decent and B) refraining from saying anything completely fucking stupid. Tell me I'm wrong - I dare you.

So it was surprisingly easy. I may have even helped my case by presenting myself as reserved - I really have no idea. Suffice to say, Jess was into me despite her strengths and my weaknesses at the time and I wanted to see if I was still capable of being honest with women (and myself!)

Next up: The fun parts and how that long goodbye almost made me miss my train home!